The Elephant in the Room……

Autism… The elephant in the room…. Except just to clarify, it’s not a real elephant… Before you look for him,. There’s the toy elephant on your dresser, the one you remind me ‘isn’t real mummy’ the one that you say goodnight to every evening without fail, after your frog and before your monkey….. When we have closed the door, opened it again and turned the light off…. In that order, always that order… Otherwise we have to start again.

Perhaps you’re just a bit different, particular? And that’s ok…. Having Autism is ok too… But wondering isn’t… Always those fleeting thoughts… Creeping up on me from time to time…. When you were 3 months old and hadn’t smiled or laughed, when I apologised to well meaning strangers for your lack of interaction, when you still hadn’t smiled at six months… Except to me and daddy…. If you had Autism you wouldn’t do that at all right? The secret smile…. Maybe you’re just serious…. Reserved…. Maybe you just didn’t want to talk until you were gone two? But your brother (sorry to compare) is saying so much at 21 months…. Mummy, daddy, boob, yes, no……, the list goes on…. You made us wait but it was so lovely when you just started talk, almost out of the blue one day.

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When you sit and do one jigsaw for ages if that’s your current trend…. Or the Lego….. Following the book so intently.. worried if one piece is missing…. Never deviating from the formula…. Never imagining something new…. But then you’re three…. Maybe that will come?

It’s Star Wars now, but that’s creative right?….. Even if you have to prepare…. Get out the same blanket… Wear it over your shoulders…. Make a lightsaber sound (I’m very proud) fall to the floor, pretend to lock me up (I’m Darth Vader, you’re Yoda) then start all over again… Children learn through repetition…. Six times a day… Always the same order? In fact some days you’re not even you. You’re Yoda…. Not Rupert…. You draw him, pretend to be him, talk about him, imitate him, get annoyed when I call your name instead.

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Next month the health visitor is coming again, to check on your progress. She was taken aback by your concentration….. Your fine motor development was up six months ago…but your social development was behind…. You couldn’t jump either….but now, I think you can… I should check…. You do still walk on your toes… That bouncy little swagger I call it!

I think you’re making friends, at preschool at toddler group, you say you love your elephant too…. Even if he isn’t real…. But he’s in the room…waiting and I guess next month…. We will know more….

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11 Responses to “The Elephant in the Room……”

  1. whatever happens, I hope it works out for you and your family. I had concerns about my son, who was older than yours at the time, and he has since been diagnosed with aspergers. its a relief. you know your son best so follow your instincts.

  2. I hope your appointment is able to help you gain more answers and form a plan for you. I dont really know much about autismim I do have a few concerns regarding my son though and am waiting to hear back from the health visitor.

  3. Ahh I bet you’re feeling nervous as hell! Not in a bad way, but just apprehensive, might finally get some answers so you can move forward as opposed to just guessing whats going on! I was scrolling through my facebook the other day at the photos of him and Abbie together with Harriet, they weren’t even 1 yet! That was almost 3 years ago ahhh! x

  4. I am going through the same with my 7 year old. I’ve always known there was something different but no one took me seriously until this year. Your son is beautiful, and whatever happens know that it isn’t your fault and you are the best thing for him! Always.

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