Welcome to the new site, same old me I’m afraid, it’s funny to see how things change, as part of the transfer I found myself looking through my old posts, those early days, where I was full of wit and eagerness, where images were merely a footnote, rather than a post filler and time had no end…
Ok so maybe a bit dramatic, but somewhere between one and and half children and three, I clearly devoted less time to crafting my content. Aside from the maternity leave break, I find myself coming back to my little corner of the Internet. For better or for worse…. And possibly a tool for procrastination, I’m still here. Although here, is no longer sat in my study (I can’t open the door for washing, boxes and general I’ll-put-it-here-until-I-can-sort-it-out-age) it’s, more often than not, curled up in the arm chair of the living room with the iPad once bedtime is complete… I’ll grab a coffee in a sec, settle down for some time… Sit in comfortable silence while the husband conquers the world on his I phone.
This is the evening routine, once we have soaked in the calm we will return to each other, dissect the day…but this first hour of silence is… As they say…. Golden. It’s also a very recent development….
This week the boys went in together. The same room!!!!!!! Nerg isn’t sleeping through… This isn’t an issue (or ‘strange’ as my mil likes to passive aggressively remind me) but, he manages 7:30-12 in his cot before coming in for snuggles and boob…. This is bliss as far as I’m concerned… Best of both worlds…. Suddenly, not only do we have quiet time, but we are finally able to do those things other couples do in bed without worrying about the baby….. Like eat pizza and watch James Bond.
It’s also a bit of a strange milestone, in moving the cot into Roos room I had to rearrange the furniture…. Sort through boxes…. Boxes of muslin squares, bibs, left over newborn nappies…. I choked up a bit…. Knowing that as time has gone on, that hunger for another baby though strong, is becoming less and less appealing. For the first time in nearly four years I’m seeing me…. Just me, and i didn’t realise she was missing until I found her again.
Perhaps I feel it more keenly than some, because motherhood has had no break, I’ve not had a full night sleep in years, no late night baby sitters….. I’ve been pregnant or breastfeeding for nearly half a decade……. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been away from the children for more than three hours….. I’m no martyr, it’s been part choice part necessity….. I have no family support nearby, even if I did…. It’s taken a while to get to a point where I felt my children would be comfortable without me, able to express their needs to someone else….. Such intense interaction leaves you so in tune with your child that you question if anyone else will know them as well, or understand their cues…
It’s been organic though, that process of letting go has developed slowly and naturally and in such a way that I felt it was meant to be. Looking at those baby items, reminded me how far I’ve come as a parent. How different the experience from number one to number three. How challenging and rewarding those early days… How liberating to now be able to sit, dedicate time to myself and my relationship in ways so impossible before.
I’m lacking wit tonight, but it seems poignant to compare those first posts to this. Going back to the baby days after h was easier…. I had her so young. Life started new when I met my husband …. Birthed a family… Stopped going solo…. Yet now, im moving forward with my identity, more secure, surrounded by love and acceptance…. A new found confidence in my abilities outside of motherhood.