Ive been a bit MIA of late, I call it mum flu, not to be confused with the male variety of this illness, mum flu is very different. For a start Mum flu is real, its the weight of the world feeling which creeps up on you after a week of insomnia, that run down ache which means that you crawl into bed at 8pm leaving the previous nights washing up on the side and setting you out of whack for a good few days to come. Having recovered enough to be up at 5am with a cupa tea Im able to reflect on how colds and flu affect our household, because you can be sure, we all act very differently.
The man of the house: now Im very lucky that the man of this household doesnt suffer from man flu. Instead, his bunged up snoring could keep even the most run down of partners awake, a little shove in the side serves only to irregulate the rhythm
When the OH has a cold you can be sure its a gamble at night, do you leave him to his earth trembling wheezes? or risk awakening the snot ball with a jab in the ribs? My husband is far too polite, which increases my annoyance, a quick poke and request to stop is very often followed by a heartfelt apology, a few blissful seconds of peace then a volcano like explosion of the snores withheld during the altercation…..ill just leave him to it, maybe leave a passive aggressive note on the notice board in the morning¦ I cant possibly send him to the sofa if he is ill. Can i???? Might have to get a sofa bed for his man room/office, Ill put that on the to-do-list!
In the day hes fairly good at getting on with things, now, this may seem ideal to you mummies whos other halves lay about on the couch demanding Lemsip and sympathy, however, to me, when the hubby is ill and trooping on, that means the cold cant be that bad.
Inevitably he starts the cycle off meaning not only does he get the blame for giving me the lurgy, he is more than likely two days ahead of me in its development. No matter how I feel, he has been there and done that 48 hours before¦. No lolling about for me.
The only thing I can possibly find to fault this annoying man with is, that rather than use one tissue until it disintegrates, which Im charged with doing, he manages to: a, sneeze once into every tissue in the house leaving me with kitchen roll and b, leave a loo roll on the dash board of both cars, not great if youre trying to play yummy mummy on the school run that day! This annoying bugger always remembers to put his tissues in the bin though far too perfect if you ask me!!
Baby Roo: Now this little monster is always bloomin ill, a mouse could sneeze 10 miles away and you can be sure ˜little boy” will turn into a giant ball of snot by the end of the day. Does he suffer in silence like his daddy?? Oh no! he likes to mix it up a bit, see what other ailment he can add to it, just to get maximum attention. So far this week (and remember its only Tuesday) he has had the cold, appears to have an 8th tooth on the way (ridiculous as he is only 9 months old) and has decided to try his hand at letting go of the sofa when cruising about, thats not an ailment you say? Nope but tripping on your own feet or head-butting the stair gate is¦.. therefore my day is spent (remember I’m ill too) changing snotty clothes locating the loo roll from the cars, and allowing the baby to latch on for most of the day. Does this send him into one of those ill, but cute 2 hours naps? Nope he sits on boob, trying to breathe through blocks nostrils, playing with his toesâ€¦. The rest of the time is spent feeling very sorry for himself and rubbing is little eyes, demanding to be carried and refusing his cot. Sensitive, serious little boy!!
Big girl H: What a miracle child, shes like Bruce Wills in that underrated superhero film, Unbreakable, this little girl never gets ill, she sneezed once but I think she just had a tickle under her nose. She’s s fantastic at playing the big sister/caring nurse maid, inevitably it is her who: retrieves the loo roll, tuts about the disintegrated tissues left in various locations, and sneaks the occasional soother from the packet (she thinks I dont know). Harriet is a smart girl, far too wise for her own good, she had learnt from who knows where, various phrases to use when the rest of us are ill. These include “the best thing you can do is let the air get to it” (we’re talking about a sore throat here) an apple a day, mummy, you dont eat enough fruit!, and pull yourself together, its not the end of the world. All these sayings while v v funny, neglect the real issue. That is to say, you can be 99.9% sure SHE was the one who carried the beastly virus into the house to begin with.